Me and my “dead buddies…..”

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A late night stream of conciousness on forgiveness. 

So when I feel hurt, maltreated, misunderstood or offended I “fauxgive”. I call it that because truthfully I don’t mean the offender any ill will and I am not furious; but, I put the offender in the corner of my mind, I cut off their access to my love emotion and care. 

Though our interactions are filled with vibrant and often high pitched HI’s and HELLOs, they are as loud and as empty as the barrel that has replaced my heart for them. 

A friendly display enough to fool outsiders who have no inkling that there are any issues 

But we, the offender and the offended, both know the love is gone…. all is truly not forgiven. 

When you “fauxgive” you fake forgive. Personally, I tell myself I am not mad and my fave lines become “I care about “him/her” deeply but I would not put myself in a position to be hurt again” or ” if anything happened to him or her, I’ll be sad but I’m just going to keep my distance” 
Well, bitterness has taken root. When I think of the offense or the offender, I am in immense pain. A deep sadness ensues; it feels like a break up or a heart break. I wish they could just get an inkling of how much pain I’m in at the emptiness of the relationship and the loss of love. 

When I can’t bear it any longer, I kill them in my spirit. They literally become dead to me. I can’t bear to think that they are walking this planet having that much power over me so it’s mental murder till we meet again in heaven. 

But that’s the horrible thing about fauxgivess, logging too many dead buddies around in the wake of unforgiveness. Too many dead friends and family members turning in the grave of shallow offenses. The truth is, they are not really buried, my thoughts on the lack of closure decays their bodies leaving a stench of the offense. I carry that in my spirit so much that anything or anyone that minutely resembles a past offender or offense suffers the consequences before they even have a chance to act. 
I live in constant insecurity of when my relationships will end. When the love will die….these are the fruits of bitterness. Eating me alive. I think of my friends that I love so dearly, and I worry for the days we won’t speak again. I should have forgiven in the first place. 

As I read more on forgiveness, I realize it pops up a lot in the Bible to do it’s “quickly” replicating God’s mercy for us. In my quest to understand why, I found bitterness is a root connected to hell that grows fast, it dull our senses to God’s spirit which is a spirit of love. 

““Be alert. If you see your friend going wrong, correct him. If he responds, forgive him. Even if it’s personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.””

‭‭Luke‬ ‭17:3-4‬ ‭MSG‬‬

“Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:31-32‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.”

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Reading these verses, the common themes are “quickly and severally”. Why?  

1. That’s how God forgives. In striving to be like him, we must do the same. 

2. Imagine when Alibaba yells open sesame and the gates to the treasure open? It’s like him yelling it for a long time and keeps it open for more thieves to come in. 

The thieves are demons that will rob you of your joy and eace. These creatures will keep you plotting on how to get the offender back or keep you from resolution.  

They will intensify the hurt so much that if any one performs an action remotely similar? They are immediately excommunicated 

3. Hurt hardens the heart, forgiveness keeps it soft. You want to stay tender. 

4. Increased levels of insecurity in all other relationships. You can’t trust anyone. 
I realize I am still mad at so many people including myself. I thought I had moved on and secured a good distance and space with said people, but you know how I know I haven’t let it go? ” I can’t pray for them”. 

Try it! That person that hurt you? Think of what they wanted from life when you were on good terms, now pray for them with all your heart. Can you? I’m ashamed to admit that I can’t especially because these are people I’ve loved and probably still do. 

I now think about God’s love for me. How even today at noon, I messed up really badly and at midnight I am overwhelmed by his love and forgiveness. 

How dare I bury His children is in bitterness when He raised his son from the grave for my own sins? 

Don’t want to dance with demons anymore, don’t want to drag these bodies with me, they are weighing me down. So I accept that hurting is a part of life. I am commanded to love not like… and if relationships change or end it’s ok. Friend or foe, they deserve my prayers and it can be from afar. Above all, in forgiveness, I release the healing power if God to put my heart back together, prune me, uproot bitterness and grow love. 
With intense prayer, I’ve grabbed my shovel, digging them out and letting them go…….

Welcome to Nigeria

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Niyi in NAPEP

Niyi in NAPEP

I spent 19 years of my life growing up in Nigeria so I can fairly say I am ” used” to how things operate in Nigeria. I am now 28, I have seen a bit of the world and with a little exposure and privilege( I do consider my education a privilege) my heart longs for a Nigeria for Nigerians. I’ve just been in Lagos for 2 weeks to solidify an offer to move back home. These 2 weeks have been extremely infuriating, the insane driving, the general impatience of people, personal space, personal hygiene, defensive condescension, because I speak better than you in your mind, you immediately puff up like a peacock to prove something to me. I can go on….
But in a new plight of maturity and acceptance that this “so called life” I should be used to, will be my life again; I began to swallow my complaints especially when they are matched with “madam welcome to Lagos, welcome to Nigeria”.
I’m not certain how I can accept that? I had the most delicious seafood okra from a place called Yellow Chilli, the prawns were larger than I’ve ever seen in any foreign country, the peachy color of the tail said to me they were fresh ofF the boat, the large grooves of its curl and the fleshy texture in every bite said “I just hit the hot water and then Niyi’s plate”, it was amazing! I was very expressive on how amazing I thought this dish was but no one said to me ” welcome to Lagos, we rest on the Atlantic so this is what you should expect”. If I spoke up about being harassed by a security official, or I was in traffic for 3 hours on a journey that should have taken 15 minutes, I get the “Welcome to Nigeria”
The psychology of that tells me that we have a negative outlook on our country and on our state, and with worse, we have accepted it. I guess it’s this acceptance that I battle with. I don’t want to be a complainer, a butter girl, I don’t want to be a fighter, I want to pick my battles wisely and ensure I can win them. But with all my suppressed negative feelings about accepting the negative things as unchangeable, I am bound to blow up.

I’ll give you an example
In the name of traffic, I headed for the airport at 4pm for a flight that was scheduled at 9:30pm. traffic was indeed horrendous. If you knew me, you would know that there was a hurricane brewing inside me and as much as I love Jesus, I kind of didn’t want Him to intervene, I wanted to blow. It was random “officials” asking me to open my handbag outside the airport entrance and then passing it though a scanner which Casper the friendly ghost or some unseen ogbanje was monitoring. Gone through all the process and it was time again for 3 “officials” 2 male 1 female to physically go through my suitcase. As I approached the lady, she immediately took off the gloves she was wearing and replaced them before proceeding to check my suitcase, I smiled at her in appreciation and as I looked away I caught the next inspector, picking his nose, his finger nails long yellow with black grime under them. As she passed my suitcase toward him, I immediately said as locally as I could ” oga please put on your gloves”. Was I ridiculous in demanding that for my safety and his as well(though honestly I was more preoccupied with mine) that the best practice was for him to wear his gloves. He flipped out! “who do you think you are?” me, a Nigerian, “is it because you are going to America?” me, well no, because your hands are dirty, you were just looking for 10kobo from the 80’s in your nose, I think you found it and it’s of no value to me so I don’t want it in my things, thank you very much!. ” you are not leaving this country today, do you know who I work for?” Me, you work for me! ” I work for you? Did you buy me gloves? I work for the agency. So I proceeded to ask him what agency he worked for, of which he did not know the name but insisted that he worked for the government and I should carry my suitcase and go back home. The airline, being a private agency could not overthrow his authority, they would not issue my boarding pass because he had not checked my luggage and then the famous words I loathe to hear were going to ensue in the next 2 sentences “madam please beg him so he can let you go, welcome to Nigeria!”
Really? Ebola scare amongst a very colorful bouquet of other respiratory diseases, I had to beg the gloveless illiterate buffoon to check my suitcase? Because in a bid to protect myself, I had bruised his bucket sized ego? The other male official chimed in “women don’t behave like this, confronting a man”. I am not even that feminist, I will someday submit myself to my husband and serve the living day light out of him, I hope my husband will do the same in return. But somehow the statement gravely offended me. I was over it and homeward bound mentally, till something unexpected and amazing happened

3 women asked me what happened, I could barely complete my sentences before they began fearlessly demanding that this uniformed official put on his gloves. Before I was out of the velvet rope, the crowd had grown more boisterous, they began to make demands that he change his gloves per every suitcase he checked, I beamed with joy and his senseless defense of himself became classic “Oga at the top” stammering. What was even more beautiful to watch was my people stand up for me, for themselves. Watching them making demands within reasonable means not accepting the tyranny of an uneducated government official who probably doesn’t know the part of our pledge “to serve Nigeria with all my strength, defend her unity, uphold her honor and glory” Well we taught him, he put on the gloves and I proceeded to open my suitcase. In his chauvinistic bid to passively punish me, he made me open every lotion and potion, secured and bubble wrapped items. And in my passively feminist way I assisted him in digging through my suitcase and throwing my lacy bras and thongs on his hand as he dug.

What’s the point to all this, I never want to get used to how bad my country is, I want to be able to speak about her with pride and joy and not accept poor treatment of me and my fellow human. I want to be adept in picking battles, little to big ones and hopefully we can someday collectively fix the Goliath of a mess some things are in Nigeria. No end date to the madness yet but after the whole glove saga, I feel that there is hope and with that hope is how I will like to welcome myself to Nigeria.
Btw, MMA is coming up roses these days, thumbs up to the people involved.

I Lived!

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The ususal pose i pose when i climb mountains :)

    I am happy, truly, I am. And why should you care that I am? Well… because everyone goes through things that can either mold them up or tear them apart and sometimes both.  I once posted a meal … Continue reading →

WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT

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Photo by Jide Alakija

Photo by Jide Alakija

Social media today makes the introduction to a godly life look glamorous with all the amazing, encouraging quotes in the foreground of stunning backdrops. This walk with God is painful, it’s tough, people will judge you, people will label you crazy, and you will over project what others think on yourself. You will lose it all. Just at the mention of God, some people have stopped reading already. That so called fulfilled relationship, maybe the money, definitely the friends and family, It’s peace out to all of them. Every mistake you make from here on out will be even more criticized exponentially. You will hear things like “if you love God, why do you still make mistakes, why isn’t your life perfect, why haven’t things happened for you, why do you still live a mediocre life, my favorite is from the perfect Godly people out there “faith without work is dead, surely you can’t expect God to do everything for you?” As though they were the oracle of God concerning what is happening internally!

Others will not ask explicitly, but you can see it in their eyes. You can hear it in their backhanded comments. Their criticism comes nicely packaged in their intellectual conversations with you, constantly trying to disprove what you’re still trying so hard to believe. You will dream dreams more than ever, but these oppositions will come at the pivotal moments of your faith when you are wondering if this God you are chasing after is real, if He exists and if you matter to Him. The noise will heighten as you strain to hear the so called “voice of God”. It will come from those who “get you”; it will come from those who don’t. You will be labeled “religious” while you are fighting to identify as spiritual. You will give up many times on this journey; you will beat yourself up for failing uncountable times and then give up again because you gave up in the first place. You will read the bible sometimes  go wah? What’s the point? WHAT IS THE BLOODY POINT????

THE POINT.

It’s twisted to think there is a point to all this internal and external conflict. Matter of fact there are many points for me. The first point is that a bloody sacrifice was made so that I’m free. So that I know who I am and be confident in whom I was created to be. Because the closer you are to God, the closer you are to the idea of who you truly are! Having endured all that, there is a you that evolves with longer legs and stronger roots. There is a you that has encountered and seen multiple revelations of God. There is a you that has seen storms and yet you still walk on water. You are no longer emotionally needy, depressed and attention seeking. There evolves a you that doesn’t mind the criticism because it means you are doing something right. There is a you that still make mistakes and sometimes hurt people, but you know you are on a journey and being perfected daily. Thank God for grace…… Your helplessness raises a you who relinquishes all forms of control and gives God the opportunity to perform.

Have you given God a chance to perform, truly believing that He will? I have, multiple times and He never failed. All you’ve lost start to feel so inconsequential when you begin to reap the rewards of your steadfastness. He fills the emptiness when everyone is gone. The love He shows when you are feeling unloved? Trust me when I say, I’ve heard countless people tell me they love me and it meant nothing close to when God says He loves me. It’s a feeling I can’t describe. His love is better than all the world can give (It just makes me teary eyed). When the world says good job it means nothing, when God says good job, my heart swells so much it aches in a good way. You now have courage to realize your dreams because you are not working for approval; you are working from His approval. Just you and God now, Whole! Knowledgeable about seasons and times, knowing that every opposition you face, every loss, every pain, it will pass. Even in the midst of your unanswered desires, you are not forsaken (emotionally abandoned) During this times, He is even closer than ever. Isn’t it crazy? That the narrow and tough road leads to God? On the way, the kinds of relationships, you will attract on your journey are other people on their journey to wholeness as well. It’s ok if you don’t finish with the people you started with because to do destiny, you can’t live in yesterday.

What I am trying to say respectfully to those platitudinous posters is that, this journey is tough, you will triumph and fall and you will never attain until you reach the pearly gates and God says well done. But till then, it’s a push and a press and you have to go through a lot, so when you count the cost and your loss, you will know God was and is worth it.

 

Tomorrow’s freedom is today’s surrender