My usual freedom pose

I am happy, truly, I am.
And why should you care that I am?
Well… because everyone goes through things that can either mold them up or tear them apart and sometimes both.  I once posted a meal that I thoroughly enjoyed on Instagram and someone swiftly commented, “I want your life”. I expressed my irritation to my cousin who said to me, “ well, that’s the image you portray ”. Yes, that’s true, but I will be the first to tell you that the fact that I eat well does not mean that I live well. I do believe my social media reflects the things that I truly love. I love Jesus, I love myself, I love food, I love adventure and people. You might save for an LV bag or the latest Jordan’s. I save for food because that is what I love.

I don’t love that I have been homeless for the past 6 months, I don’t love that at the grand old age of 28, I am just owning my first credit card (its stupidly complicated), I don’t love that it takes me 2-3hrs to get anywhere in a bus, I don’t love that my life is in a storage container and I play “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo” on the same 5 outfits I wear to work, I don’t love that not until 2 days ago, I have not slept in a real bed for 6months. I don’t love a lot of things in my life right now, but the truth is I still am blessed to do the things that make me happy and I am even more blessed that in great adversity, I can smile.
Now that that’s off my chest, I want to tell you the real reason for all this. Exactly a year ago this Christmas Day, I planned the best way to end my life……I cannot believe I just typed those words, but God grant me the strength to post this when I’m done. I don’t want to glorify the catalyst of the depression or the go into the details of my plan to end my life, as it feels just sooo stupid now. But I was severely depressed. The depression affected my physical health so much that I began to suffer bouts of fevers sometimes going up to 107F. I made visits to the emergency room in severe pain and morphine did not help. I began hallucinating and having severe panic attacks. Sleep had gone bye bye from me and my highly intelligent, faith-filled, optimistic, positive thinking, higher self could not convince the broken, hurting extremely sad and paranoid me that this too shall pass.
I was in so much singular and internal pain because in my head the people who could help had already failed me by not understanding my pain. I sought God with all my heart and I felt that He still failed me, my family had failed me, my friends had failed me, life had failed me, I had failed me! It became easier to become ornery not knowing that there was anger swinging like wrecking balls from every hair on my skin and everyone in my path was bound to get hit.
I felt so greatly unloved during that time, I felt like a failure (I still wrestle with that). As I sat there in the tub ready to carry out my plan, beginning to imagine the euphoria of what life would feel like when the pain in my head and in my heart would go away, immediately realizing that, that won’t be life at all. I said to God, “ then take this pain away!”……… Nothing, absolute silence. I began to cry because I was now certain that this was the end. But not in a booming voice or in an obvious sign like my mother calling to say I’m worried about you, but in a quiet nudge I’m certain did not come from within me; I was not that strong, I had given up. It was a steady, unwavering external feeling that had now found its way into my heart, it had taken root and soon it was signal to my brain. For the first time my brain was ready to decode a nudge, a feeling a seed, a root network and all the information that came from this process was a simple yet sound statement “you won’t feel like this tomorrow”. I won’t feel like this tomorrow? “No you won’t feel like this tomorrow”. I don’t know what made me believe it, but I hastily got out of the tub, combed my hair, put on brand new clothes and headed to Christmas brunch by myself.
At this point it would be very nice to tell you I was all right, that the hallucinations had stopped and that I was immediately well and that same night my fever didn’t spike and that my appetite returned. It took time, it took work and it took faith. Your faith will take you places where your physical strength cannot even reach. My thoughts about God are very complex but this simple thing I know, He shakes things up in our lives to a point where we are certain he is actually trying to kill us. At least that’s what I thought. I felt like I’ll take myself out before he takes me out! But in his shaking up of things, all things ephemeral will be dusted off of you! Relationships that do not edify would be the first to go. You start to have a keen understanding of where you stand and where others stand in your life. Passions that are not purpose filled or not destiny aligned would fall too. Habits that are detrimental to your development as a whole and well rounded human being will be brought to light. When you come back from the point of nearly giving up, the strongest and authentic and original you emerges.

Why have I told you all this? Because I thought 2014 will be a dream. I felt I was on a journey to the most amazing year of my life. That all God’s amazing promises concerning my life will be fulfilled. It’s been the very opposite.
It’s been a painful and trying year and those truly close to me know I have handled it with a smile. I’m not physically settled in a place of my own. I have lost the relationship to the most important person in my life. I am in a job that I feel meh about…….I have a long list of the crap I’ve been through this year, amazingly much greater than what nearly took me out last year and I am still here. I’m not even wavering, I am not even mildly afraid of what the future holds because I am more certain about who saved me in the tub. If God preserved my life then my life is worth something. The choir in my head about me failing is currently on mute and in a sick and twisted way, I welcome challenges because everyday I know I surmount them and like Dory, I “just keep swimming”.
My life today is not perfect; I’m working toward being the best steward of the gifts God has given me. It’s not easy; I might say sometimes it’s easier than giving up living up to the expectations you have of yourself or the ones that others have of you. But I hope I have somewhat encouraged you to hang in there, keep pushing forward, get out of your head. I encourage you to not forget the mountains you have climbed. Look back at them. See? You climbed those! That relationship that hurt you, you ended. That job that wasn’t good for you, you left, that dream that you didn’t realize? You dreamt some more! The degree you wanted,but for some reason could not attain? Look to life, it’s been your teacher. Remember that how you feel now is only temporary and day-by-day you will get better, stronger and happier.
We will do great exploits my friends…..and by God’s good graces we will fulfill our purposes.
That’s all till next time.