“You are in a lesser place but you are in the right place”
 Chatting with a  very interesting unique friend at dinner. We hadnt seen each other in a while so we cautiously began sharing our maddening experiences about our move to Nigeria. 

Within an hour or so, my life, (which I feel so few understand) felt like it wasn’t just mine and someone else was in the same hell. We could mirror our experiences event for event. Sure if we tried, we were probably dying on the same day. Lol. 

Finally! I felt someone got it! I didn’t have to talk too much and someone just got it. 

My mood swings, my sensitivities, my feelings about friendship, love and family, my random burst of energy, my deep bouts of depression, my eternal quest to be understood, the interesting relationship with God and the major catalyst for my madness was, is , Nigeria….  Lagos precisely. I mean, this person got it. 

What started as a “grow up Niyi and get over it” conversation ended in a short and simple sentence that rightly sums up my sojourn here so far. 

“You are in a lesser place but you are in the right place”

Before biting my head off about Nigeria being “lesser”. It’s not Nigeria, it’s some of my experiences.  
I’ve never been able to articulate to people what I feel. They say “oh but you are doing well”! “You seem happy on Instagram” you are working so many projects” but really Nigeria is B****….. 
No place makes me question my value and my worth more than this place. You are just never good enough no matter how much you do. 

 I observe how people treat other people they are meant to care about, it makes you wonder is anyone cares about anyone. 

The work is hard, rushed and very dramatic. The money is shit and the standard and cost of living is just unrealistic. 

Besides the work, there are just personalities put in place by the devil himself politicking, manipulating and stiring cauldrons as witches do. Just pure poisonous people. 

They say you have to earn respect. Well in my Nigeria, you pay for respect. I know people who think otherwise but if you think your Gardner respects you because you are a self respecting respectable person, fuck with his money and see where the “sir” goes

I have to deal with the reality that my infallible unbreakable parents are getting old and that scares the shit out of me so much it makes me cry. I am not even independent and I feel a serious self imposed weight to do well quickly  to take care of them.   

Your relationships change, relationships of years that should blossom and flourish even more wither away and die because……well in my case no one can adult and just talk about it….I have stopped caring too. 

There’s something I’ve always battled with, lit all my life. It’s a sense of belonging. I’ve never fit anywhere, sad but true, that’s why I always feel like there is always somewhere else to be but where I am. Before I knew what living in the states was like, I’ve never felt like I belonged to anyone, anywhere or anything belonged to me. 

Most recent thing I do that freaks me out is, I talk to myself. Audibly. I don’t know when I do I just catch myself in a corner doing it. I feel myself slipping into a basket case because I am built to express, talk and share but I can’t talk to anyone anymore, I can’t trust anyone anymore.

After all I’ve said, hate to say it but it feels right. Lagos feels right….now. After all, Lagos in all its peculiarities is life. 

There will always be the relationship that evolves or dies, there will always be an unkind person whose main goal is to see you lessened, there will always be a group that you are in where you feel like the odd one out. There will always be a job that it’s sheer magnitude freaks you out, and you will always be imperfect. Lagos is life …..now. 

On a positive note, In the midst of not feeling loved or desired, I’m relearning God’s love for me, I’m relearning the attitude of gratitude. I have soooooooooooooo much to be grateful for but in my emo state I forget I could have it a lot worse. I am thankful for 

So when my friend says,”me too” and drops that nugget. I am resigned to believe God has a plan since we won’t remove me, I’m not alone because someone gets it and that it’s now, not forever. Someday where I am and where I think I belong will be the same place. 

For now lesser will do because it’s just right.

…….and He will exalt you in due time.